After reading several works, I’m concerned that those dreadfuls, vampires, werewolves, and the hordes of demons are too much for your ladylike constitution. In my day, ladies never raised their skirts to expose their ankles to mayhem and inflict death upon such of these creatures. Nor did we arm ourselves with Brown Besses and shoot like the gentlemen. Your counterpoint, Ms. Austen, succumbed to her arsenic treatments. Don’t you possess the same comprised nature? How ever do you manage to write such gruesome creations into your works without fainting upon the chaise or going into madness?
Muddled by Your Monsters
Forthwith, may I put to rest any concerns for my overall health and fortitude concerning my inclusion of the darker creatures in my recent novels. Rest assured upon my writing desk to my quills and ink, sit a bottle of smelling salts, holy water, and an embroidered handkerchief for dabbing my forehead. I have positioned my writing table next to a sturdy fainting sofa so that if I am overcome by the occasional dreadful scene or vampire bite, I may fall upon my sofa.
Concerning my dearest Ms. Austen, she only succumbed to her arsenic treatments because of the incompetence of her physician. I assure you that I do not have the problem. My personal doctor has been with me these last hundred years…I mean days…yes, perhaps months. Oh those smelling salts are quite strong. I do not require the antiquated treatments that poor dear Jane received.
But returning to your quandary concerning the appropriateness of ladies killing dreadfuls, lifting of skirts, and the like. Personally, I do not understand your objections. Is it more ladylike to suffer a momentary spattering of blood and brains upon one’s dressing gown or endure the agony of your fingers and toes and eyes falling off and your sudden need for the intestines of your gentleman suitor? I declare the brief showing of a lady’s ankle far dims in comparison with her lying in the hedgerows brains splattered about for the consumption of the undead!
Dark Jane Austen
*Photo: Writing Apparatus by Kazarelth, obtained through Flickr Creative Commons.